Pull it off or take it off?

There are a few fashion faux pas that sometimes crop up in polite society. Like white shoes or the man bag. Here’s a cheat sheet if you’ve been wondering if you can pull it off:

When is it okay to wear:

A Ferrari branded leather jacket:

Cool on a scooter, lame in an actual Ferrari

When you’re on your scooter. True story. Not, I repeat, not when you’re in your Ferrari.
An ANCYL/ANC beret:

It’s only ironic if you’re not Juju.

You may be pushing things a bit if you wear this to work and your capitalist bore of a boss isn’t big on irony. I doubt there are DA berets, but watch this space and avoid when relevant.
Crocs:

Not okay, man.

Never. Move along now.

A man-bag:

Man bags can be manly

Whenever you need it. Stuffing your pockets with a cellphone and wallet makes you look like you’re wearing harem pants*. Choose a man-bag with a strap that crosses your chest to carry it like a manly man.
Brogues shoes sans socks:

Mr. Capone, step forward please?

Art galleries, quirky coffee shops and jewellery launches are a flytrap for these. Avoid windswept squares or fields with those spiky things that scratch ankles.
Shoes with socks:

Short, shoes and socks – the holy summer trio

The trend is towards shorts with socks and deck shoes; keep this one on ice until summer. Obviously. Socks are a fully-fledged accessory these days in their own right, wear them bright.

Sunglasses indoors:

Is that the sun in your eyes or just the glare from your ego?

As B-list celebs troop through our corridors (we share office space with entertainment publications) this magazine feels that the trend has been hijacked by wannabe celebs and girls who want to hide a large chunk of their faces. Avoid, or be judged.
Cardigans:

“Listen, bro, I listened to post-punk-post-ska-pre-skunk long before it was cool. Now I only listen to it ironically. Please pass me my organic, free trade, vegan latte.”

Printed cardigans go well with skinny jeans, a moustache and those thick-rimmed glasses all the creative kids wear these days. Wear as you start your own design company or blog in coffee shops.
Diamond earring:

Pull up the limo and fill up the hip flask! I’m finally 18!

Only if you’re trying to appear thuggish or going to your matric dance and don’t know any better.

White shoes:

No.

See above note on Crocs.

Corporate dreadlocks:

Only appropriate for Predator movies and airport offices.

In the newsroom of some quirky, start-up urban magazine. Or at OR Tambo where you can impress the American and European girls fresh off the boat.
Trench coat:

Trenches – suitable for teacher and tranny alike

The classic trench is a winter stable, but avoid if you’re likely to find yourself on street corners, especially Oxford Road in Sandton or anywhere in Hilbrow. Could be a bad start to your evening.

A onesie:

Are you an Oompa Loompa? No? Avoid the onesie!

The future, and only if there’s leather involved. It’s been making the news in the UK – you know, that baby-grow type outfit worn by men including Sean Connery in his James Bond days. No matter what the fashionistas say, stay away from these.
*Like Jasmine’s in  Aladdin.